so, today i met this man at my bus stop. he was an older black guy that started talking to me for no particular reason but i really liked what he had to say. here are some excerpts of what he had to say:

"you know, back when i was a kid i had an uncle. my uncle always used to look at all the women goin by and i used to say," uncle jerry, there's something wrong with you." but now as i get older i'm looking at alot of females going by. i'm lookin at em right now. there are so many lovely things around us. loveliness. there are alot of ways you can look at things in the world and by doin that you'll see it that way. but the best way is see things as lovely because that'll make you the happiest."

"there is nothing more beautiful than a child. they are so innocent and you have to be careful because everything to them is the first thing they've done in life. i was on the bus one day and i saw this woman with twins. they were lil spanish children with their hair just cut and i let her have my seat because it was the right thing to do. when you look in a baby's eyes and they look back at you, that's God, man. that's a beautiful thing. you know, i had 5 daughters and that's the way to go. i got sons too but it's different with sons. when they get older they have families and they get busy with that but a daughter will always be there for you. it's in their blood. that's what women are good at: caring for people. they're just natural caregivers. it's like me an my grandmama. we had a really close bond and my mom would sometimes get jealous because i'd always be with my grandmother but she didn't let on to it too much. i was close with mother too. my mother used to take really good care of me. i remember when i was a child by her bosom. i remember it as clear as i do me and you sittin right here. and when she used to wash me when i was a baby. you know when they lean babies back in the sink to wash the back of their heads? well, i remember that. i always thought she was going to drown me by accident but she didn't. when my mama used to get mad at me she'd say, "i shoulda dunked you in that sink," and i was like, "mama, WHAT?!" i remember when she was sick in the hospital before she died.me and my sister had to clean her. i told me sister that i'd wash the upper part and she could get the lower area. i think women should take care of doin that. i mean, if need be idda done it but i think that sort of thing ought to be left up to a woman."

"

i've been having a lot of bizarre dreams as of this last week. here are some of them:

yesterday's dream: i'm the desert with my father, brother, and if i remember right, some other people that might be mother or members of that side of the family. after alot of aimless wandering, we come by this abandoned compound where two dogs are scampering around. both are lean and jackal looking but one has short black hair and the other is hairless and has green skin. i somehow come to the conclusion that the green one is an extinct breed of dog from egypt that i read about and that it must be worth millions if we catch it. many attempts are made on it but none of them fruitful. as we leave the compound we see a dog that looks similar but it is bright orange and looks almost half-cactus and part pumpkin. it's pretty mean and growls at us and we leave it alone. i don't remember the rest of the dream.

last night's dream: the first third of the dream i don't remember too well. i just remember that it's pouring outside and we're in a skid-row-like part of town that looks like something torn out of east first through sixth street of downtown los angeles. somehow this area evolves into the first neighborhood i lived in when i first moved to phoenix (i was about seven). it's still raining and i'm driving around in this car.
    we shift again to some random spot where a friend of mine is having a party. at this party i find out that an ex of mine is there and i refuse to talk to her or acknowledge her until she actually comes up to me. we talk and somehow manage to end up somewhere else. we're in a room somewhere we end up sleeping together. for some reason, the act is depressing; not because of our performances but the fact that we made love. afterward, we're in bed talking and we discuss a lot of the issues of why we don't talk anymore and if we should try to be friends again. it's bizarre, but the part where we were just lying in bed talking to each other was the happiest i've felt in a long time. the fact that this was just a dream and that it was a recent emotional highlight makes me ask questions about alot of things. i can't really remember the rest of the dream but i do remember that we went our own ways and i was a jerk about it. it was one of those dreams in which you wake up and wish you had just kept your eyse shut.

so, i'm sitting here, in my dad's penthouse apartment in kuala lumpur. through a living room there's a door. that door leads to a large balcony crowded with stolen potted plants my father has tried to put to decorative use on the otherwise wide-open, pink-tiled balcony. Off the balcony is a view of the world's tallest buildings: the petronas twin towers. it's quite a sight and definetly worth the price my dad paid for this place.

each time i stand on that balcony at night i wonder if i'll ever own a living space this nice. will i ever have enough money to do anything i like again once i graduate? will i be drowned in debt the rest of my life from school loans? i will owe around 20 grand once i graduate but i have a phobia of interest rates. will this hinder me from finding a decent lifestyle and financially nueter me from having children? the future is a haze that i can never seem to predict the correct scenario through, despite my imaginations obsessive ways of concocting unlimited versions of what might happen.

the dilemma of the moment? a certain question of dora versus jasmine.

enter choice number one. dora is a girl whom i met in macau two years ago this summer. there are a handful of women that i hold as ideals or symbolic milestones on my life chart. dora is one of them. she is: half portuguese, one fourth east indian, and one fourth chinese. she is a good example of a hybrid, colonial race of people from the former portuguese colony termed "macanese" (mixed local chinese and portuguese). although i have only met her a few times (all of which were during that one summer), we have kept in correspondence regularly since then. she studies in porto, portugal and has a boyfriend whom she truly loves back in macau. i believe these two latter elements play into my romanticized portrait of dora but i know it and don't let myself get carried away. have we flirted? sure. the bottom line is that she is a very sweet girl and i'm lucky enough to be friends with her.

choice number two. jasmine. i met jasmine the day i left for malaysia. she is a korean exchange student i met at work who works for a korean film production company. she's twenty-six years old, christian, and can hold a lively conversation despite her rough english. we share a common passion: cinema. the night i left i asked her out for a drink. we had a fun time and shared a good pot of peach tea in a koreatown cafe. i told her i'd be back in two weeks and we agreed to meet up when i got back. she text messaged me a few times before i left that night, a simple thank-you followed by a bon voyage. also a sweet girl whom i find myself lucky to of have befriended. here's the hook: she leaves for korea mid-to-late august. i'd like to hang out with her some more before she leaves but then i think what's the point of building on something that won't last? regardless, i still would like to hang out with her again.

so, here's the dilemma. my father said he'd be cool with buying me a ticket to macau on my trip back to LA for a few days. i'd get to see dora in that she arrives in macau on the 31st and i was scheduled to leave on the 31st. i'd essentially get to hang out with her for a day or two. so, i do that and lose out on jasmine or hang with jasmine and bump the dora rendezvous to a later date. i've got a few days to decide but it's not that big of a deal. it's just been occupying my mind lately.

my problems? romantacizing memories, obsessing over minute details that don't really pertain to anything in particular, and always falling for relationships that i know cannot work out.